Tongue Tied, Twisted

I have always had too much to say, my mother always scolded me for never thinking before I spoke. I really never saw a problem with my hastiness, honestly, I think as a child I thought I was quick witted or that spontaneity was attractive and a part of my character. I liked myself, maybe I had a bloated sense of self confidence but no one but my parents (and maybe my siblings, okay and maybe some friends parents, AND my teachers) seemed to have a problem with it.
When I was in Kindergarten I really thought my teacher thought I had no control over my out bursts, what she obviously didn't understand in my mind, was that I just didn't want to control it, I had an answer for everything. In first grade my fervor for speaking more than listening continued and the attention that came my way boosted my excitement for, life!
In fourth grade I was separated from my friends and permanently and intentionally moved into a different classroom. In fifth grade I was moved to the wall that the black board was on, so that the rest of the class was behind me and I had to turn my chair to see the teacher. I was miffed at first but took full advantage of the blank white wall in front of me, decorating it to be my own and hanging a poster of a clown on it. My fifth grade teacher even helped me write a poem about my blubbering self, describing my wagging tongue and an image that included drool. Well maybe you can imagine where this got me?
At one point I talked myself right into the position of state alternate as an exchange student to Germany. Although the two first choices went I remember the nods of interest as I answered every question the judges had for me.
I often just sum up all I have to say with blah, blah, blah and "well you know what I mean....."

I think I may be exhausting myself with my own chatter.

There is no point to this, but I did feel impelled to share that lately I feel tongue-tied. I think if God casts spells he cast one on my tongue. I seem to feel awkward and all twisted up when it comes to verbally expressing myself as of late. I am either talking too fast to get out what I have to say in order to get it all out before the recipient is off on another tangent or I just simply can't say what I want to say.
What is that? Is twisted tongue a syndrome, a symptom or a spell?

More Wag

Obama says he "aspires to peace".

What are they looking for?

A group of us at our church are gathering to discuss the book Doers of the Word by Archbishop Dolan and one of the questions last week was, "Is the secular world searching for a more closer union with God?" In my heart I wanted to answer, "Yes, why of course they are!" The truth is, as we tossed this one around, that we are not seeing evidence of this. In the secular world there is a lot of searching and a lot of finding but it has nothing to do with God and a lot more to do with what feels right.
This morning as I dropped off my daughter at school the car in front of me was pasted with stickers like amnesty international and the sierra club. But the one that prompted me to think about the whole wide world without religion was "Wag More, Bark Less". Yes, it is a nice thought and a cute sticker for a dog lover but it speaks the sentiments of today. Simply by smiling and "being happy" we will create a peaceful world. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Why, because we get angry! We get angry when kids are starving, when wives are beat, when our food is poisoned, when schools are danger zones, when babies are murdered, when the poor can barely survive, we get mad and then we do something. There is no wagging when evil shows it's face. There is no face lapping, paw shaking or fetching when the world is in such chaos. How can one calm the storm by smiling at it?
I think we need to talk a whole lot more and not back into the proverbial paper bag but straight to God in heaven. The secular world will eventually wake up, they will eventual see that the false peace they believe they create, by encouraging everyone to get along, will disintegrate.
I recently prayed in front of an abortion clinic with four of my children, a day after a homemade fire bomb had been thrown at a woman in prayer. One friend disapproved at what she saw as irresponsible and dangerous, she said, "There is a lot of evil out there." I couldn't agree with her more, the evil that takes place inside that building, the evil that spreads from it like a vicious rumor on a raging river, is real. I stood there but I was not alone with us there were five guardian angels and a whole lot of prayers. It really isn't about shaking my back end rather than yelling and it is about praying, defending, and sharing God's word, His peace and love. Maybe this is evidence at our failure to spread His word, how can one know it if they are never taught it? Maybe wagging is the best they've got?

Homemade bomb thrown at peaceful protester

40 Days for life...40 Days of prayer for mothers and their babies. Mother Theresa said "And if we can accept that a mother can kill her own child, how can we tell other people not to kill one another?" Here in Kalispell, Montana babies lives are threatened everyday and now those who peacefully pray for a conversion of heart are also not safe. The officers were unmoved and even suggested to expect such violence.

1 Corinthians 4:5 "do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men's hearts; and then each man's praise will come to him from God."

Cowboys still kneel

Last night I was a cocktail waitress in the VIP section at a Bull Riding Event. Up close and personal with the cowboys, the bulls and the drinkers.
Cowboys still kneel in prayer. In case you didn't know, Cowboys still kneel.
Cowboys who are tough, dirty, dusty, stuffed in chaps, kneel and pray.
Cowboys take off their hats, place it over their heart and bend their knees.
Cowboys get on bull and hold on for dear life but first they pray.
Cowboys drink and Cowboys spit.
Cowboys open doors and twirl girls, Cowboys get rough in the fields
and Cowboys still kneel.

We are strong

I know what I don't want to be part of. I do not want to be part of a culture of death. I do not want to stand face to face with a woman who tells me she had no choice but to visit with someone who believed her only path to wholeness was to rip her baby from her womb and not have been able to save her from that horror.
I know I want to be about empowerment and sharing with woman the very strength we possess that is being stolen and manipulated into, "our strength is in freedom" and that kind of freedom being referred to is childless or lives only in the life with children of intention.
I beg to ask how many woman have willed their conception? How many women have said this month of September is the month that agrees with my schedule and subsequently in June have birthed their purposeful child?
If woman could recognize the gift of motherhood and stand to defend the lives of their children in any case, yes even in the case of rape, can you imagine the women we would be? Strong, vivacious, brilliant, defiant even. I know I want to be joined with women who will stand for their rights. The right to no longer be victimized by a culture that says we are only worthy when we are weak. A culture that says we are too weak to birth, too weak to break up, too weak to survive,too weak to tell our parents, too weak to give our child the gift of adoption, too weak to let anyone know. Why? Why do our children have to die?

Christian Soldiers

"There is no Easy Button in real life. Look at a crucifix and there you will see your model. Servanthood, laying down our lives that’s what we are called to, and it’s totally different from what the world says. Jesus is our example. He was Lord but came to serve not to be served. If I can remember this in my role with my children things go much better. I am here to facilitate their learning, serve them in their needs etc. I don’t have all the answers, I am seeker like so many others but I am trying to constantly be open to helping my children discover who they are and become the person God created them to be."
Michele Quigley (Homeschooling Mom of 10 Michele Quigley.net)

What if Mary already told us?

So many of us question, how can we know? If only we had a messenger from heaven... Yet so many of us search for the answers in the news that only increasingly tells us that on one hand it is really bad and none of us are doing enough yet on the other hand it isn't as bad as one thinks and if we all just became vegetarians, recycled and praised whomever we think that "god" is in the fresh air on some vacation sebatacle we are sure to find some sort of inner peace. Yet so many of us long, so many search, in the face of death we all cry out. We cry out as the ones we love leave this world and many among us are so painfully uncertain that what their love ones will face is nothing.
I am curious why this is alarming when the same people claim, before they experience life in the trenches that there isn't a God more of an essence maybe and there isn't a Supreme being capable of causing death that inevitable causes pain. Concluding that if there is pain there is no God if there are ways to live by that are unpleasurable there can not be a God. Yet so many find themselves feeling the effects of unemployment, less food, depression, uncertainty, addiction and disease and start to wonder, IS THERE ANYBODY LISTENING?
Why is it then that we aren't all talking about Mary's apparitions, why isn't there a buzz about Mary? Children, Men and Women of many faiths, no faith, barefoot and lonely in the wilderness are telling us she has a message, they heard her, they saw her and she is talking to us- She the mother of Jesus. She has told others secrets before that have unfolded before the visionaries very eyes, they have lived the massacre of Rwanda, they have heard the horrors of WWII yet we turn a deaf ear.
Most of us would rather read some over published piece of garbage like, The Secret, that tells us to focus more on ourselves. If we had all the answers would we be crying out? There are no atheists in a fox hole.

- $700

Actually it is probably a whole lot more than that, electric bill $200, packaging for 400 lbs of cow $272, truck payment and groceries would be nice. Good news is we sold the four wheeler, the money wasn't supposed to be used as income but work is super slow right now. Any money we did have saved wasn't yet a months income. So the 4 wheeler will go and maybe we will have $500 to put into our emergency fund. We are following Dave Ramsey's advice, baby step #1 $1000. I am waiting for a loaf of bread to finish baking so the kids will have something to put their tuna fish in between. I don't care for tuna fish without celery but oh well. I think I will sneak a little apple and onion in there and top it with some spinach. I made granola bars today but there weren't a big hit. They will still go in their lunches because if they are hungry they will eat it. I take pride in stretching the staples and scrounging for a few bucks for eggs, butter and milk. Today my husband and I decided we could take or leave wine and beer but not coffee, today was the first time in 13 years that he came back from the store with Folgers- we have always ground our own.

Today

Cheers to today, the only day I have to work with. Today I kissed each child, today I was honest with what I could do and felt defeated for all the things I wish I could do. I am content that my children ate homemade whole wheat biscuits and deer and gravy for breakfast, I am thankful I had powdered milk for times like today and yesterday and tomorrow. Today I was pleased that my children liked the soup otherwise known as "Yummy" soup loaded with tomatoes and cabbage. Today I wished I had chocolate and settled for semi failed peanut butter no bakes. Today I tried again to sell some stuff. Roll top desk, octagon coffee table, bird cage, wood stove, table, mirrors, apple basket- just drive by's. I am thankful for hand-me-down cloth diapers and the dollars saved by actually using them 5 months of baby's life thus far. Today I figured I have nothing to lose and should just right a damn book, but about what? Marriage and all it's insanity, secret desires of the nunnary, visions of Mary, my very proper rebellion? Well today will soon be a tomorrow and a tomorrow with an extra hour to think about it!

May 2010

Well it is almost summer here in Montana, I am ready for the flowers to flourish and the garden to grow. It has been a busy year. I didn't quite document my life of rice and beans nor the amount of bread I baked but I recall it all because it is still the norm. We are dependent on God's providence, either there is work for my husband or there is not. When there is we need to be frugal for the months that there is not. This year God was good, we purchased a 1/4th of a cow in September and made it last until now. I carried and delivered a happy baby boy into the world! I was diligent about packing lunches and curbing my "thrift store junkie" habit. Actually I have purged this house over and over. We have sold our hot tub, our shed, a gas stove, masonry rock, and other garage sale items. We have tried to sell our camper and my husband's utility trailer. "Simplicity is an exact medium between too little and too much." (Sir Joshua Reynolds). Last summer we increased our garden size and I experimented with lasagna gardening. We have cut back and evaluate our budget monthly, but all this may not be enough to keep our home.

Sub Prime served Rare

Here's a title with no text, I like coming up with titles, titles to books and chapters. All the thoughts are all jumbled up in my mind and I like to just sum them up and hope someone gets what I mean. So this title, well it's about the houses, it's about yours but it's really all about mine. Subprime served rare, like a steak? no like a punch, a wound, a skid, a sore...RAW!

The Repression

It is hitting close to home and some are falling and others are searching yet so many of us feel at a lost. It is a challenge to lose control of the future we thought we had clearly planned, isn't that what the "dream" was all about? A well planned itinerary, a fund for the children's college, retirement, a shiny car, perennial gardens, vacations that bronze the skin with a free drink in one hand and many hands massaging out the "kinks" of the life you escaped, low interest rates, diversified everything, assets, a boat for summer, ski gear for winter, the best preschool, time to volunteer, crisp, clean clothes, fresh sheets, a lawn where all the dandelions moved next door, matching silverware, a china cabinet and a piece of tupperware for every leftover you will never eat, isn't that what we were going for? This recession, depression -that I like to call the repression is changing us forever, my friends are without work, my friend's husband has left for 4 months to work- his son misses him, my friends are crying, wondering, growing food, despairing, taking sleeping pills, drinking on weeknights, my friends are leaving their husbands.......I am holding on to hope, I am called to help my friends. I am called to swap summer squash for tomatos, I am called to say thank you so it is heard, I am called to be available to hug,to listen,to care. I am called to give what I don't need, I am called to dig my feet in the earth and stand tall, I am called to count each and every blessing (even the blessings that hurt- the ones that grow roots while my branches are trimmed).

Rice and Beans Amen

Well what to do when the work slows down and the bills keep on coming in? Pray, Hope and don't worry....................and cut back, way back! So we are starting off the new year with a challenge, spending the absolute minimum, no dining, no bowling, no new clothes, nothing on credit, money into savings etc. I hope to document the year, how many loaves of bread I bake, how many pounds of beans I soak.

conservative efforts

After watching two episodes of " 17 and Counting" I felt.... well, unorganized and the mother of unruly children. I threw around the idea of sewing prairie dresses and getting much stricter. I pondered my own life title 5 and counting? and set to reading many homeschooling blogs wondering how they all make theirs look so nice and writing lists and looking over schedules

What are they looking for?

What are they looking for?

A group of us at our church are gathering to discuss the book Doers of the Word by Archbishop Dolan and one of the questions last week was, "Is the secular world searching for a more closer union with God?" In my heart I wanted to answer, "Yes, why of course they are!" The truth is as we tossed this one around was that we are not seeing evidence of this. In the secular world there is a lot of searching and a lot of finding but it has nothing to do with God and a lot more to do with what feels right.
This morning as I dropped off my daughter at school the car in front of me was pasted with stickers like amnesty international and the sierra club. But the one that prompted me to think about the whole wide world without religion was "Wag More, Bark Less". Yes, it is a nice thought and a cute sticker for a dog lover but it speaks the sentiments of today. Simply by smiling and "being happy" we will create a peaceful world. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Why, because we get angry! We get angry when kids are starving, when wives are beat, when our food is poisoned, when schools are danger zones, when babies are murdered, when the poor can barely survive, we get mad and then we do something. There is no wagging when evil shows it's face. There is no face lapping, paw shaking or fetching when the world is in such chaos. How can one calm the storm by smiling at it?
I think we need to talk a whole lot more and not back into the proverbial paper bag but straight to God in heaven. The secular world will eventually wake up, they will eventual see that the false peace they believe they create by encouraging everyone to get along will disintegrate.
I recently prayed in front of an abortion clinic with four of my children, a day after a homemade fire bomb had been thrown at a woman in prayer. One friend disapproved at what she saw as irresponsible and dangerous, she said, "There is a lot of evil out there." I couldn't agree with her more, the evil that takes place inside that building, the evil that spreads from it like a vicious rumor on a raging river,is real. I stood there but I was not alone with us there were five guardian angels and a whole lot of prayers. It really isn't about shaking my back end rather than yelling and it is about praying, defending, and sharing God's word, His peace and love. Maybe this is evidence at our failure to spread His word, how can one know it if they are never taught it? Maybe wagging is the best they've got?